Not-So-Fresh Grad Looking For Pretty Much Any Legal Profession, But Writing Would Be Fabulous

Dear Future Employer,

   I'm certain that by now you are sick and bored to tears of reading boring old resumes and such. So I'm not going to list my accomplishments, skills and such (because let's face it, half of those will be lies anyway).
   I will simply tell you a little about myself and let you judge me (but really, judging people is not really a nice thing to do, is it?). Maybe judge is the wrong word to use. Let me rephrase that - I will simply tell you a little about myself and let you decide if I would be a positive addition to your company.
   First, I am a very positive person and love to motivate those around me. For example, whenever I go shopping with my friends and they see a top they like but are not sure if it would suit them, I motivate them to try it first and see for themselves. We are our own worst critic after all and I always offer positive, yet truthful, comments. After all, trust is a very important factor in all relationships. So I would make a great salesperson, motivational speaker, telemarketer from this characteristic alone.
   Secondly, I am never satisfied with mediocre performance and am always pushing myself to do better. For example, whenever I play games on Facebook, such as Scramble or Geo Challenge, I am never satisfied with my score. I know I can do better and push myself to improve my score every single time I play. Obviously, this would apply to my work ethics as well. However, because of this drive to better myself, sometimes multi-tasking may be a problem. I throw myself completely into one task, so if you give me many things to do at once, I may take a little longer to complete them. But only because I want to do the absolute best that I can. Not because I'm lazy.
   In addition to that, I am obviously dedicated. I am dedicated to shopping, reading, chocolates and sleeping. I do all of those extremely well, and in fact, consider myself an expert on these matters. I would make a great personal shopper, reader, chocolatier, and sleep study patient.
   I am also a very fast and willing learner. When my friends taught me to bake, I picked it up quickly and went on to experiment further and learn new recipes. My philosophy is that there are so many things out there just waiting to be discovered. Some of the things I plan on learning include archery, kayaking, knitting and the piano. That makes me very versatile so you may place me in whatever position you feel would fit me, but I can also cover for others when the need arises. I would make a good baker, and once I learn the things I listed, a baker who can shoot arrows while kayaking and playing the piano while knitting. I could even be an international spy.
   My other skills include applying make-up beautifully, knowing what jewellery would complement which outfit, knowing where the best desserts are, and many, many more.
I thank you for your time and hope you will consider me for the position. I look forward to hearing from you.


Sincerely,

[Illegible scribble]