Wanted: Map Or Directions. Thank you.

Ah, my heart. I spent most of last night and a good portion of today trying to figure out the this feeling. I'm not even sure how to describe it. It is sort of like being disconnected from... from what exactly? This place? The people?

Am I upset? Or sad? Or confused? Guilty? Perhaps all of that and more? Even as I write, I bite my lip and try to sort through the jumble. Trying to put everything in its place, where it belongs.

I think that may be partly it.

Place... belong...

The words are triggering something...

Tugging at some faint threads of... of what?

Loneliness? Homesickness?

Everything feels slightly off. Feels like I stepped onto the escalator and it's moving forward, but my feet aren't quite on the ground. And I'm not even trying to get them onto solid ground.

Ah, my heart. Where are you leading me this time?

Welcome To The Playground

Ah, the playing field...

From fresh grass, flying swings, full benches...

To threadbare floors, flying paper, creaking chairs...

Step up to the plate.

I nod, you nod.

We know the rules.

Cheat and pay the consequences.

Prepare for the judgement in their eyes.

I nod, you smirk.

We know the rules.

Cheat and reap the rewards.

Prepare for the admiration in their eyes.

Ah, the playing field...

No more fun and sense of wonder.

I'm stepping off the plate.

You nod, I wave goodbye.

Enjoy your glory and praises.

They will be good company for those sleepless nights.

Welcome To The Dollhouse

To sit in front of the mirror...
The lying mirror... or
The truthful mirror?

Choosing a colour...
Coral or crimson or raspberry...
Sweet or mysterious or natural?
Desert or sunrise or dusty rose?
Vulnerable princess or strong warrior... or
Lovely enchantress?

Cover those sad eyes.
Cover that pale complexion.
Cover those downturned lips.
It is time to face the outside world.

The gleam of diamonds to add shine to dull...
The inches of heels to elevate low to high...
The smoothness of silk to reduce the roughness of life...
The props to face the outside world.

No more sad eyes, but confident eyes...
No more pale complexion, but a glowing complexion...
No more downturned lips, but alluring lips...
To stare the world in the eyes...
To face the world and all it will bring...
To smile everyday...

Ready?
Welcome to the dollhouse.

Welcome To The Puppet Show

A string pulls me in the opposite direction. I go stiff and try to dig my feet into the ground. But I guess I didn't dig deep or hard enough. Or maybe the force behind the string is too strong to resist. I go flying across the wind, wishing the ground was quicksand that will hold me down firmly.

No such luck.

So I land at your feet. You said, "Let's go."

I nod and follow because that's where the string is leading me.

Ah, you're not a bad person. You can't help who and what you are.

I think I'm not such a bad person. But I am who and what I am.

I've been called into play. And play I shall.

Because it's not always about me. The captain needs to rest. And rest he shall.

So I give you a big smile. I take the string and begin to skip.

Welcome to the puppet show.

Stasis

He's watching me, studying my face for a frown, a smile, a wrinkling of the nose - anything to let him know what I'm thinking.

My lips curve into a smile but remain silent.

He smiles back and touches my hand.

I see the uncertainty in his eyes. I hope he doesn't feel the uncertainty in my heart.

He asks me a question. I answer but don't elaborate.

I feel him begin to panic as he grips my hand tighter.

I look at him and look away.

I want to pull away and I want to pull him into me.

His panic somewhat reassures me.

So this is where we stand.

Is this where we end? Or is this where we move on?

I don't know.

I'm not sure I want to know.

I know that I need to smile now. So I will.

But I wonder...

Is the loneliness worse when you're alone or when you're right beside someone?

The eternal question floats in my mind again.

Is it worth it?