Thanks For Making Me Feel Bad

Dear Sunshine Of Mine,

You are amazing. I could not ask for a sweeter, kinder, more generous, loving friend than you. In comparison I look like a grumpy, miserable old hag. Bleurgh.

But you are so amazing and I love you lots and lots. Here's to many, many more years of friendship... I know you'll continue to be the sweet, kind, generous, loving person that you are through the good times and the bad times. And I will continue to be the grumpy, miserable old hag in comparison. But I don't mind because I love you to bits.

This is dedicated to all my friends who have been by my side through the good times, and especially through the bad times. Cheers!

Stranger

I'm sorry I didn't fight harder for you. I loved you. I still love you, more so now than ever before. I know more often than not it seems like I have forgotten about you or forsaken you for others, but trust me, you are always on my mind.
You were, and always will be, my first love. My one true love. You were always with me, right from the beginning. You stayed with me, all through the sleepless nights and all through the storms. Truth be told, sometimes I think you saved me.
And even though I turned my back on you, you stayed loyal. You stayed strong so I would stay strong. But lately I feel you slipping away from me. Maybe you finally realised that I'm not worthy of you.
After all, how long are you supposed to stand this abuse? I seek you out and then I reject you. I cry for you and then I leave you behind. I ask you for help and then I condemn you.
I'm surprised you even stayed this long.
I don't know if I should fight for you or let you go. Maybe if I let you go, you'll find someone who will treat you better. But if I let you go, will that mean letting my love go? Am I selfish? Am I a coward? No doubt about that. I am selfish and I am a coward.
I hide behind shadows and blame others. Excuse after excuse. It was never my fault. The blame always fell on the people around me.
I even blamed you sometimes. I mistreated you, misused you, twisted you this way and that way, and all the while claiming that I loved you.
You first came to me when I was hurting and offered me hope and companionship. I still need you. I'm still hurting. I'm still scared. I am so sorry for the way that I have behaved. I am so sorry for the way that I treated you. Please forgive me.
I am a coward.
All those times you wanted me to speak up for myself and I forced you away, choking on the bitter taste of swallowed words. All those times you told me to let you free so I could let myself be free, and I chained you up inside. All those times you urged me that my thoughts had value so I could recognise that you had value, and I erased you like you were worthless. I buried you along with my voice and I buried myself, and now I am constantly suffocating.
Somewhere along the line, I lost myself. Buried under a mountain of excuses, of hopelessness, of worthlessness.
Will you help dig me out? I'm alone in the dark like I was the first time you came to me. Help me find the light again?
Help me find me again.
So I can finally find you again.
My lost love. My lost words.

Exclusive

   I feel so rejuvenated and invigorated and all such words. 

   Scented bubble baths, aromatherapy, essential oils, scalp massage, hair treatment, facial, facial and body scrub and foot massage all equal a totally blissed out and serene me.

   Spa treatments rock.

   Especially if you're the only client.

   Because you did it all at home.

   Now I have to go clean up those bowls of milk, eggs, green tea and cucumber. Yum! 

P/S My services will NOT be made available for the general public. Though your tips will be more than welcome.

Dear Mom...

I know you sometimes worry that my voice is too soft.
I know sometimes I have to keep repeating myself to people.
I know you're worried I won't be heard.
Don't worry.
I know how to speak up for myself.
When I was growing up, you would tell me to lower my voice whenever I was too loud.
Maybe you worry you made me too soft.
Don't worry.
I learned to voice my thoughts without having to scream and shout.

I know you sometimes worry that I have no direction.
I know I've been drifting along on this path.
I know you're worried I'm not going to get there.
Don't worry.
I know where I'm headed.
When I was growing up, you told me I could be whatever I wanted.
[Though I know you meant more along the lines of lawyer, doctor or accountant.]
Maybe you worry that made me unfocused.
Don't worry.
You taught me to dream and I'm chasing after that dream.

I know you worry that I might be irresponsible.
I know I've done little to prove you wrong.
I know I've made many mistakes, and I probably will make many more.
Don't worry.
I'll step up when the need arises.
When I was growing up, you told me I had to learn to be independent.
Maybe you worry I'm going to fall and not get back up.
Don't worry.
You taught me to be strong and I know I am.

I know you worry that I'm too stubborn.
I know I am.
I don't think that that's going to change anytime soon.
Don't worry.
It just means I don't give up easily.
When I was growing up, you told me not to let myself be bullied by others or by circumstance.
Maybe you worry I'm going to be disappointed if I fail.
Don't worry.
You taught me to stand my ground and to never cave in to pressure.

I know sometimes you don't see it.
But don't worry.
I'll be fine.
You did a great job on your part.
Now it's time for me to do mine.

My Bliss

Time to stop for gas.
The gauge was just below the halfway point.
Oh, it will cost 60 I said.
50 he said.
I confidently raised it to 65.
He raised his guess to 55.
We both waited gleefully for the final outcome.
He went to pay.
I waited.
He got back in the car.
How much?
He said 57.
It stopped at 55 but he tried to push it up to 57.
Why?
So we both win...
57 is the halfway point between 55 and 60.
I didn't hear you say 65, I only heard 60.
Silly, but that brought tears to my eyes.
It was the best trip I've ever been on.

My Personal Brand Of Ecstasy

One taste...
And I'm addicted...
Irrevocably so.

My poison... that cures.
My high... when I'm low.
My vice... that inspires my virtues.

My lifelong addiction...
Which I never want to get rid of.

I Do! I Do!

I was watching this show on the TV. I happened upon it while I was channel surfing [one needs to also exercise one's fingers], and it caught my attention.
I think it was called 'The Proposal' or something like that. Anyway, it was nearing the end of the show. The man ['The Proposer'] had set up a little 'corral' with a wooden table, etc. for him and his girlfriend to enjoy a glass of champagne. He had written a country song about their relationship and a woman with a guitar sang it.
After the song was over, he told her he had prepared a little game for her to play, called 'Needle In A Haystack'. Except, of course, it was a ring under the haystack, not a needle. So, girl finds ring, guy drops to one knee, proposes, girl tearfully says yes, guy slips on ring, yada yada yada.
Me getting all awwww on the inside and fighting the tears. [I am such a hopeless romantic.]
So, that was her perfect proposal.

My perfect proposal? I used to wonder about that a lot. I played different scenarios in my mind - moonlight picnic, balloons and rose petals, that kind of thing. I just knew I wanted something creative and thoughtful.

My perfect wedding? Thanks to Cinderella and all the other fairytale princesses, I wanted the whole perfect dress-perfect venue-perfect flowers scenario.

But that was then. That was Before Him. Before Him, I thought that I needed all those things to have a perfect wedding and marriage.

Now?

Cinderella can have her prince and carriage. All I need are... the ring, him, my family and the beach.

Hey, in my experience, you can never go wrong with a BBQ by the beach.

The Good Intention

   Before I went grocery shopping, I always made a list. This is so...

1. I would remember to buy the things I really needed. [toothpaste, etc.]
2. To avoid buying the things I didn't need. [biscuits, crisps, etc.]

   So, a typical shopping list would generally look like this...

1. Onions, garlic, shallots
2. Basmati rice
3. Frozen peas
4. Red peppers
5. Chillies
6. Oil
7. Mushrooms
8. Pasta
9. Pasta sauce
10. Canned tuna
11. Chicken
12. Salmon
13. Chips
14. Milk
15. Cereal
16. Butter
17. Bread
18. Pears

   This is what I usually came home with...

1. All the things in the 'original' list
2. Frozen pizza
3. Walker's Sensations Thai Sweet Chili
4. Cappucino cake
5. Chocolate chip cookies
6. Glamour magazine
7. Walker's Cheese and Onion
8. Sushi
9. Ben and Jerry's Phish Food
10. Fish cakes

   Low willpower much?

   I always said Tesco [in Swansea] was my second home. Where else opens late at night, anyway? 

This Week In A Nutshell

   Weeeeee! This week I...

• went for my second kickboxing session + am starting to get really hooked!
• went for my second dance class + managed to keep up this time [and managed to stay coordinated!]
• printed out loads of recipes to try out... yum!
• written more stuff for my potential 'book' [any publishers interested?]
• am celebrating my dad's birthday... happy birthday, dad!
• am very proud of him for everything he has accomplished... you're fab!
• have been tagged twice... will get to is soon-ish, girls.

 

  Let's see what next week brings me.

Speak Softly Or Not At All

"What can be said at all can be said clearly; and whereof one cannot speak thereof one must be silent."     - Ludwig Wittgenstein -

You asked me why I was silent.

Why I chose to look out the window instead of speak to you.

You thought that perhaps I was angry or upset with you.

Or that I was unhappy.

When, in reality, nothing could be further than the truth.

I'll tell you why I was silent.

I'll tell you why I looked out that window instead of speaking to you.

I didn't choose to stay silent because I was angry or upset.

Or because I was unhappy.

I stayed silent because I didn't have the adequate words.

I stayed silent because the English language doesn't have the adequate words.

To tell you everything I was feeling at the moment.

So, I stayed silent.

I stayed silent not because I was angry or upset.

Or even because I was unhappy.

I stayed silent...

Simply because I had no words.

Tagged: Scent Of A Woman

   This post is a bit overdue. A few weeks ago, Eim tagged me in her post about perfumes. So, now I have to reply and write a post about the different perfumes in my 'collection'. [Pssst... Eim, dah gik main tag2 aieee. Lelah kmk bah. Dah kmk lelah oleh hopping hipping tek.]

   So, this is the list of perfumes I have tried and the journey I had with each bottle of perfume.

1. 'L'Eua D'Issey EDP' by Issey Miyake. My mother gave it to me when I was 13, which also happened to be the first bottle of perfume I ever owned. Until now it remains a firm favourite of mine. I love the scent. It's so soft and subtle. 
2. 'Pleasures' by Estee Lauder. I bought this for my prom when I was 15, but discovered afterwards that I wasn't really into it as I initially was. I found it a bit too strong.
3. 'Sentiment' by Escada. I discovered this while I was out buying a birthday gift for a friend. I fell in love with it. I find it so romantic and sweet. 
4. 'Magnetism' by Escada. I picked this up on my travels, in Milan to be precise. It's a soft, fruity, fragrance. I loved Milan and every time I spritz this on, it would take me right back to Italy.
5. 'Cool Water' by Davidoff. I received this as a birthday present on my 21st birthday. It's very nice and refreshing.
6. Recently, I bought 'B-Spot' by Benefit. Again, because I find the scent soft and sweet.
   

   So, those are among the few scents that I've tried and bought over the years.

P/S I wanted to do another 'joke' post with this tag, but I don't dare because I've pulled one on her in a previous tag, so I'm afraid she might chase me with a kitchen knife.

The Perfect Blend

Some of my favourites...

1. chocolate + banana + whipped cream = perfect smoothie
   
2. pineapple + cheese = perfectly yummy snack cubes
   
3. books + me = perfectly contented me
   
4. pesto, mozarella + sundried tomatoes = perfectly delish toasted panini
   
5. pink + white = perfectly sweet colour combo
   
6. mangoes + mascarpone = perfectly great sponge filling
   
7. diamonds + me = perfectly dazzled me
   
8. Lilo + Stitch = perfect entertaining duo
9. rain, slow love songs, scented candles = perfect snuggling under the covers
10. Italy + me = perfect place for me
11. cream cheese, smoked salmon + caviar = perfect toppings for a bagel
12. hot bath + scented bubbles = perfectly relaxed me
13. toast, spaghetti hoops + fried egg = perfect breakfast
14. pasta + me = perfectly stuffed me
15. sunsets + beach = perfect scenery
16. daydreaming + me = perfect partners
17. rain + sleep = perfect sleeping environment
18. hazelnut coffee + cold weather = perfect way to warm up
19. shopping + me = perfectly de-stressed me
20. ice cream, whipped cream, butterscotch sauce = perfect sundae
21. him + me = perfectly happy

What are some of your 'perfect' blends?

I'm going to tag these people and find out their 'perfect' blends.

Eim, ScoMan, Aya, Nicole, Jaja, Mhea, Erin

To Chase A Dream

So, the birthday celebrations are done with.

I had too many cupcakes [or fairy cakes] and other desserts.

Gaaahhh... if it had gone on any longer...

As wonderful as it all was...

There is no way I would be able to chase after an ant...

Let alone chase after rainbows...

And it's over those rainbows that my dreams await...

[They're definitely not waiting next door. Trust me, being the energy-conserver [read: lazy, lazy, lazy] that I am, I looked nearby first.]

As much as it pains me...

I have to bid farewell to the sweet loves for now...

Thanks for all the wonderful memories.

We'll see each other again someday.

Somewhere...

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Step By Step

I have a confession to make.

Oh, but should I tell you?

But I must tell you because the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

*hanging my head in shame*

I. Cannot. Stop. Buying. Shoes.

*sigh of relief*

There - I said it.

If I were to see a psychologist, he or she would probably say something like I'm trying to fill a void in my life buy buying shoes, blablablabla.

Huh. But they would be wrong. Hah. I fill the voids in my life through my writing and books and ice-cream.

Lately, I'm loving the snakeskin print. I find snakeskin print heels so... alluring. [Symbolism, snake, tempting, Garden of Eden, forbidden, apple, sinfully delicious, etc.]

But I'm not going to excuse my shoe addiction by using some psychological terms, etc.

My name is Badriyyah. I am a shoe addict. And I'm proud of it.

The Birthday Wishlist - Part 1 [revised - again]

1. the pretty white pearl hairband [Forever 21] [Got it for myself.]
2. the tiny cute pocketbook with brown feathers design [Forever 21] [Changed my mind.]
3. the pretty cream [or pink] quilted hair band [Forever 21]
4. the sweet sequin butterfly hair clip in pastel colours [Diva] [I got it for myself.]
5. the gorgeous black shoulder bag with gold buckle [Nose] [Changed my mind.]
6. the lovely XX perfume [Hugo Boss]
7. the adorable 'Happy Birthday' flats [Brera]
8. 'Rockferry' album [Duffy] [I'll get it myself.]
9. those gorgeous, gorgeous cream/beige/brown half covered, half open shoes [Nose] [Got another, similar pair.]
10. The yummy black strappy black suede platforms from Guess [MidValley's Metrojaya] 

P/S The list is NOT in order of preference

P/P/S I am available to be taken to the shops to pick out my own presents. Yes, I am THAT shameless. But really, I'm just helping out. I mean, I don't want my friends to spend money on something that I'm not going to like. So, there you go...

P/P/S I'm justifying being THAT shameless.

P/P/P/S Part 2 will be coming up as soon as I go on another shopping 'survey'. Just to further prove how shameless I am.

I Would Like To Find This Child

   If you know who he is, please contact me. [You know who you are.]

   You may get a reward. [Seriously, only for you.]

The Birthday Wishlist - Part 2

Two Letters To Make Three Words

                             AB CDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

The alphabet put us together.

Enough said.

A & B

To represent the three words I will tell him over, and over, and over, as long as I breathe.

Take me shopping!

Says you, Says Me

Oh, my boyfriend comes to see me every day.

Mine calls me every hour.

My boyfriend just gave me a gold bracelet.

Mine can't keep his hands off me.

My man says he can't wait for me to be his wife.

Mine says I'm the love of his life.

What?

Your boyfriend only sees you on weekends?

Mine says he'll die if he doesn't see my face every day.

He goes to see his friend, instead of you?

My guy always puts me first.

He lets you go on long holidays, away from him?

My man doesn't want me far from him at all. He wants me near him all the time.

What?

You love this man?

How can you?

Are you sure he's serious about you?

Let me tell you something.

I've seen many couples break up because of what other people have said and think.

The only thing that matters is... what we know. 

Call me stupid, call me naive, call me clueless.

Thing is...

You don't really need to know.

Because...

I know.

And...

That's all that matters.

The Tiara

   Why? Because I'm 'His' princess.

   I'm also his chef and dish-washer woman.

   But I'm still his princess.

   And I love it.

   [Hey, never mess with a princess with a skillet in one hand and a wand in the other.]

   [Wait. Princesses don't get wands. Only fairies do. Oh, whateves. I'm a princess, if it's a wand I want, it's a wand I shall have.]

   [Sorry, I'm just lurved up at the moment. He's probably cringing as well when he reads this.]

   Kisses from the princess!