Oh, Say It Is [Not] So!; Or, The Meaning Of Life

This is what it has come down to.

Me, desperately shaking a Magic 8 Ball for the answers I desperately seek.

Dear Magic 8 Ball, will I marry and have my happily-ever-after?

Without A Doubt.

[Oh, we're off to a fabulous start!]

Dear Magic 8 Ball, will I ever become a published writer?

My Sources Say No.

[Bloody 8 Ball!]

Dear Magic 8 Ball, will I at least live comfortably?

Yes.

[Simple and straightforward, I like it.]

Now to get down to business.

Dear Magic 8 Ball, will I ever figure out what that silver button belongs to?

Most Likely.

[Woohoo!]

Dear Magic 8 Ball, will I ever cure my addiction to shopping?

[Inconclusive - I received many glimpses to different answers.]

Dear Magic 8 Ball. are you telling me the truth?

Concentrate And Ask Again.

[Ok, I will.]

Dear Magic 8 Ball, are you telling me the truth?

Yes, Definitely.

[Ok, I trust you. I've got all the answers I need for now. Thanks! You have just enriched my life deeply. What would I do without you?]

No, seriously, will I ever be able to answer these deep questions without your insight?

Without A Doubt.

Well, then, why am I putting my trust in you?

No answer.

Not so smart now, are you?

As I See It, Yes.

Great. You have just destroyed the very foundations of my belief. Thanks a lot!

You Can Throw That Tape Measure Out

Remember when you were in school and you've just received your report card? You take it home, show it to your parents and the usual spiel follows.

• You only got in the Top 10? What happened?
• How come you only got 63% for Science?
• What did [insert best friend's name here] get?
• See? He/She did better than you. How did that happen?

To which I only have one answer: I didn't study. Yes, I suffer from chronic laziness. Anyway, science never really caught my interest in school. But that's besides the point.

The point is... why does your success have to be measured against another person's? Does it not speak for itself? Does it mean that you have to push, trample, shove, beat down others on the way to the top?

A little friendly competition is good and all to motivate yourself to do better. I've seen friends go all out to beat each other. But then again, I've always been more on the coasting side of things. I suppose the key is in the balance, as it is in all other things. Balanced diet, balanced lifestyle. Balance of Type A and Type B.

It's not just education and exam results that people compare, though. It's everything. Especially in families, particularly Asian families.

• Look, your cousin is so pretty and so slim. You should watch your diet more.
• See, your cousin's husband is so successful and so rich. You should find one like that as well.
• Your cousin is doing so well at work, etc.

Honestly, I don't particularly give a fig. It's nice for them and I'm happy for them. But I'm content with what I have. Sure I have my own goals and dreams, but they have nothing to do with outshining or showing up anyone else.

So, for those people who think that they're better than someone else because they have nicer clothes or a more expensive car or have more money stuffed in their purse...

I say...

You know where you can stuff it.


P/S When you go to a posh boutique here but aren't dressed head-to-toe in designer gear, the people in the store [90% of the time] assume that you can't afford anything in there and either refuse to help you or follow you around with this disdainful attitude like you're tainting the store. You know who you are.

There's A Goblin Dancing Across My Shower Taps

For further information on goblins, please click here.

The reason I am convinced that there is at least one goblin living in this house, particularly in our bathroom is...

Every single time I get the water to reach that perfect balance of hot and cold...

The water will turn very, very cold about 5 seconds later...

Which results in me twiddling with the "hot" tap a little bit...

Which results in me getting my scalp scalded about 2 seconds later...

Which then results in me jumping out of the water's way, while desperately turning the "hot" tap crazily in the other direction...

Which makes me wonder now...

It is amazing that I have not slipped on the tiles [knock wood]...

I hate that goblin.

[It's apparently not the taps as the plumber said everything was working perfectly.]

It must be a goblin.

It's probably the brother or uncle to the other goblin who dances across my keyboard...

Making me type words like "unvle" and "wordks" and "wafgle"...

Or "I do hipe yoy consuder my apploctioon for thid positon"...

I want to shoot these goblins.

But I don't have a gun.

Incomprehensible

"People fear what they do not understand," Professor Charles Xavier wisely said in The X-Men movies.

Well, I don't understand politics or politicians.

By this, it should mean that I fear politics and politicians.

I guess I do. While also having deep contempt for [most] of them.

I fear what they're going to do next to mess up this world even more.

Lost My...

Lost my way? Many, many times. Literally and figuratively. I'm so bad with directions and put a map in my hand, you may as well have given me a papyrus with hieroglyphs on it. But I usually find my way, one way or the other.

Lost my heart? Corny, cheesy, but so what? It's true. Happened 3 1/2 years ago. Through no fault of my own, of course. I'm in no hurry to get it back. It's got a great new owner.

Lost my inspiration? My Muse [or whatever] seemed to have taken a detour somewhere and left me with Writer's Block. I have a suspicion that detour includes a visit to the shoe store.

Lost my voice? I did for a while. But I've got it back and am not going to make that same mistake again. It was horrible.

Lost my loves? Yes! My parents moved so many times and apparently my mother thought it was fine to donate my books to charity. An admirable cause but those books are my babies! She gave away my babies!

Lost my weight? No. The only thing that I desperately want to lose and it's not going anywhere. It might go off for a little bit but it always makes it way back. Curses.

Why Do I Need To Explain Myself To You?

So, I want to stay at home and read.
I'll stay at home and read.
So what if you think that I'm anti-social?
I never cared about being cool anyway.
But that's just me.
I let you be you without trying to change you.
Please extend me the same courtesy.
You probably think I'm miserable being on my own.
Truth is, I'm miserable when I have to paste a fake smile on my face.

So, I'd rather sit back and listen to the conversation.
I'm probably getting lost in my own thoughts.
So what if you think that I'm a bore?
We can't all be talking over each other.
But that's just me.
I'm trying to listen to you.
So please try to listen to me.
You probably think I feel excluded.
Truth is, I'd rather not blow empty air. Or I simply can't be bothered.

So, I like to go out on my own.
It's more relaxing that way sometimes.
So what if that makes me look like a loser?
I enjoy being by myself sometimes.
But that's just me.
I respect the way you choose to spend your days.
Please respect the way I choose to spend mine.
You probably think I'm really lonely.
Truth is, sometimes I'm too tired to play the social game.

So, I choose to live my life this way.
I'm perfectly happy and content.
So what if it's different from what society dictates is the norm?
I'm perfectly happy and content.
But that's just me.
You choose to live your life your way.
And you're perfectly happy and content, I hope.

Indescribable

That's right.
Take a good, long look in the mirror.
See the reflection looking back at you.
Really see it.
Now can you still sit on your high horse?
Can you still say that you were wronged?
Can you still tell yourself that you didn't do anything wrong?
Can you honestly face yourself with a perfect conscience?
Am I still the villain here?
I'll be the first to admit I am no saint.
And I can be a witch.
But darling, you...
You are indescribable...
And I don't mean that in a good way.
Darling.
Take your perfect conscience and honeyed poison and get away from here.

It's Just Another Number

So it's 2009. I welcomed the new year by lazing about on the couch and watching the POTC marathon. Jack Sparrow and Will Turner? Yes, please! I couldn't ask for better dates to usher in 2009.

But seriously... I wasn't all that enthusiastic about it. As I've mentioned before in one of my birthday blogs [some of my regular readers might remember this], [Oh, I suppose I could link it but it's 5:39 and I'm exhausted yet my brain won't shut off - damn you, brain! Why do you only shut off when I need you most... like during exams or when I'm trying to come up with a brilliant lie to get out of something... so I'm too lazy to look up the link.] I consider my birthday to be my very own personal New Year's. So what if that makes some people think I'm vain and have delusions of grandeur? It makes me feel special. So, there you go. Besides, something happened on the eve of 2000 that totally put me off ever celebrating New Year's.

The gist of it was that I had just finished school and decided to go celebrate in the center of town with a friend. Come midnight, the mob was like this moving centipede or something and my friend and I got separated. The networks were screwed up and the mobile phones were all not working. Fast forward... security guard... wandering around... phones finally working after a couple of hours... waiting for friend by a corner... drunk guy propositioning me [he thought I was a pro!!!!! Wait until I tell you about the time I was apparently a potential terrorist.]... finally reaching home at 5 a.m.... solemn vow to never, ever celebrate New Year's ever again.

That's one of the few vows I actually kept [keep?]. Anyway, I'm kicking off 2009 with a little trip and a friend's wedding. Hope you have a great weekend!

Oh, after I get back I will start unveiling the project [though it's still nowhere near completion]. We're still having way too much fun with it. =D

Brush It Off , Kick It To The Side And Walk Away

A dust mote swirls lazily in the air.
A mouth opens.
Words pour out and push the dust mote around.
It lands on my shoulder.
It irritates me.
Might even anger me.
I open my mouth.
More words pour out.
Off the dust mote goes.
Swirling around and around, before landing on my shoulder again.
I'm annoyed.
But then I shrug and brush it off.
It falls to the ground.
I kick it out of my way and move on.
Moving on, moving on.
It is only dust.
It is nothing.
I will not allow it to turn into rock.

It is nothing.

Broken Images

I'd like to share one of my favourite poems with you.

In Broken Images

He is quick, thinking in clear images;
I am slow, thinking in broken images.

He becomes dull, trusting to his clear images;
I become sharp, mistrusting my broken images,

Trusting his images, he assumes their relevance;
Mistrusting my images, I question their relevance.

Assuming their relevance, he assumes the fact,
Questioning their relevance, I question the fact.

When the fact fails him, he questions his senses;
When the fact fails me, I approve my senses.

He continues quick and dull in his clear images;
I continue slow and sharp in my broken images.

He in a new confusion of his understanding;
I in a new understanding of my confusion.

Robert Graves

I have my own reasons for loving it so much. To me, it says that it's fine to be different. He is so sure and confident that it gives me confidence. And that it's perfectly fine to be slow, as long as you're sure of where you're going.

3,2,1... And Action!

   So, there we were.

   He looked at me.

   I looked right back at him.

   He looked doubtful.

   I hoped I looked calm.

   He appeared intimidating.

   I refused to be intimidated.

   He wasn't impressed.

   Neither was I.

   He was obligated to perform his duty.

   I was obligated to perform mine.

   He was the director.

   I was the actor auditioning for the part.

   He looked at me.

   He didn't speak, but his eyes said it all.

   He thought I was weak.

   I looked at him.

   I didn't speak, but I smiled.

   I thought he made a mistake in underestimating me.

   It was over.

   He wasn't impressed.

   But neither was I.

   He played his part perfectly.

   But I refused to play along.

   He left, probably annoyed that I wasted his time.

   I left, feeling a mixture of emotions.

   Needless to say, I didn't get the part.

   I am no actor.

   But why should I act?

Last Week

Well, last week was a complete bust. It was such a crappy week.
Let's hope this week will be better.
Observation for last week: 20-somethings can be more childish and petty than middle-school kids.
Hope for this coming week: Let's hope everything will fall into place.

I Do! I Do!

I was watching this show on the TV. I happened upon it while I was channel surfing [one needs to also exercise one's fingers], and it caught my attention.
I think it was called 'The Proposal' or something like that. Anyway, it was nearing the end of the show. The man ['The Proposer'] had set up a little 'corral' with a wooden table, etc. for him and his girlfriend to enjoy a glass of champagne. He had written a country song about their relationship and a woman with a guitar sang it.
After the song was over, he told her he had prepared a little game for her to play, called 'Needle In A Haystack'. Except, of course, it was a ring under the haystack, not a needle. So, girl finds ring, guy drops to one knee, proposes, girl tearfully says yes, guy slips on ring, yada yada yada.
Me getting all awwww on the inside and fighting the tears. [I am such a hopeless romantic.]
So, that was her perfect proposal.

My perfect proposal? I used to wonder about that a lot. I played different scenarios in my mind - moonlight picnic, balloons and rose petals, that kind of thing. I just knew I wanted something creative and thoughtful.

My perfect wedding? Thanks to Cinderella and all the other fairytale princesses, I wanted the whole perfect dress-perfect venue-perfect flowers scenario.

But that was then. That was Before Him. Before Him, I thought that I needed all those things to have a perfect wedding and marriage.

Now?

Cinderella can have her prince and carriage. All I need are... the ring, him, my family and the beach.

Hey, in my experience, you can never go wrong with a BBQ by the beach.

Two Versions, Same Story

According to astrology.com, I am...

Your Sample Reading

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

Ferociously proud and somewhat vain, you like to be impressive and to be seen as Somebody Special. You are not timid, meek, or self-effacing, and are rarely content being in the background or in the subordinate position. You are a natural leader, and do not take orders from others very well. You must have something of your own, something creative - be it a business, a project, a home or whatever - that you can develop and manage according to your own will and vision. Whatever you do, you do it in a unique, dramatic, individual way. You like to put your own personal stamp on it.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation

Quiet, deep, emotionally complex and intensely private, you are not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. You are extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it, and you allow only a special few into your inner world. Like a wary animal, you are cautious and mistrustful of those you do not know until you "sniff them out". You are very, very instinctive and intuitive. You usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction to people, even though you may be unable to clearly articulate why you feel as you do. Your feelings and perceptions go deeper than words.

According to myself, I am...

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

Ferociously proud and very vain, I like to be seen as Somebody Special [as if you would not?]. I am sometimes timid, meek, or self-effacing, and am perfectly content being in the background or in the subordinate position [sometimes]. I do not know if I am a natural leader, but I do not have any problems taking orders from others [sometimes, depends on who's asking and how they're asking]. I like to have something of my own, something creative - be it a business, a project, a home, a blog, or whatever - that I can develop and manage according to my own will and vision [read: laziness]. Whatever I do, I do it in my individual way [unless otherwise instructed]. I like to go with my own flow, and I hate outside pressure.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation

I am sometimes quiet, occasionally deep, always emotionally complex and mostly intensely private, but I am not a person that hard to get to know but sometimes difficult to understand. I am extremely sensitive but [sometimes] disinclined to show it, and I allow only a special few into my inner world. I am mostly cautious but hardly ever mistrustful of those I do not know. I do not know if I am very, very instinctive and intuitive. I do usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction to people, sometimes wrongly, sometimes justifiably, even though I may be unable to clearly articulate why I feel as I do. My feelings and perceptions go deeper than words because I am sometimes at a loss for words.

There it is. I'm putting my personal stamp on my astrology report. Oh, crap. Does this mean that that's the more accurate version?

Losing My Voice

Sometimes, I want to hide under a table.

Sometimes, I want to hit a wall.

Sometimes, I want to get in my car and drive and drive.

Sometimes, I want to cry until all the pain disappears.

Sometimes, I want to just stare out the window.

Sometimes, I want to think of all the things I've lost.

Sometimes, I want to collapse on the floor.

Sometimes, I want to dwell on the past.

Sometimes, I want to tell you everything.

Sometimes, I really do.

But...

"Don't cry, it upsets me so to see you upset."

"Hey, it happens to everyone."

"Well, it's an experience. At least you can say you've experienced it at least once."

"Oh, don't be upset. It will all be fine."

"How ungrateful are you? You've been so blessed! There are people out there being abused or not having enough to eat!"

"Grow up and deal with it."

Which all amounts to basically the same thing...

"Quiet. Shut up, shut up, shut up."

Well, I'll tell you this.

"I know. I know all of that. But what I want to know is when I've hit a low point, will you be there to help me up?"

But I won't.

So, I'll just listen to what you tell me.

And be quiet. 

Sometimes I shut up and I swallow it all in.

Like I'm supposed to.

Like the adult I am.

So, I take it all in.

And I smile on the outside.

Like I'm supposed to.

For you.

So, you can tell yourself that everything is fine.

I'll close my mouth so you can close your eyes.

And, I still want to hide in a dark corner.

Because if I disappear, perhaps all the other bad things will as well.

P/S I'm not really writing about myself, in case any of my friends get worried. But I'm sure that at some point in time, all of us have felt like this. So, really, this was supposed to be some sort of poem, but I'm too lazy to figure out the meter, etc.

The Perfect Blend

Some of my favourites...

1. chocolate + banana + whipped cream = perfect smoothie
   
2. pineapple + cheese = perfectly yummy snack cubes
   
3. books + me = perfectly contented me
   
4. pesto, mozarella + sundried tomatoes = perfectly delish toasted panini
   
5. pink + white = perfectly sweet colour combo
   
6. mangoes + mascarpone = perfectly great sponge filling
   
7. diamonds + me = perfectly dazzled me
   
8. Lilo + Stitch = perfect entertaining duo
9. rain, slow love songs, scented candles = perfect snuggling under the covers
10. Italy + me = perfect place for me
11. cream cheese, smoked salmon + caviar = perfect toppings for a bagel
12. hot bath + scented bubbles = perfectly relaxed me
13. toast, spaghetti hoops + fried egg = perfect breakfast
14. pasta + me = perfectly stuffed me
15. sunsets + beach = perfect scenery
16. daydreaming + me = perfect partners
17. rain + sleep = perfect sleeping environment
18. hazelnut coffee + cold weather = perfect way to warm up
19. shopping + me = perfectly de-stressed me
20. ice cream, whipped cream, butterscotch sauce = perfect sundae
21. him + me = perfectly happy

What are some of your 'perfect' blends?

I'm going to tag these people and find out their 'perfect' blends.

Eim, ScoMan, Aya, Nicole, Jaja, Mhea, Erin

And The Clothes Go Flap, Flap, Flap... In The Wind

One of the things I enjoyed about Summer was being able to dry my clothes in natural heat, as opposed to in the dryer [I have issues with dryers, after a few shrinking incidents].

We had a clothesline in the backyard, one of those reel-in ones [so fun to me, for some reason]. The only thing about it was that once the string was tightened, the clothes were suspended quite high in the air, like flags.

So, imagine my surprise one day as I was looking out the window of my room [bottom floor, overlooking the backyard], and saw that one of my housemates had hung her smalls up there as well, as opposed to using the clothes-airers like the rest of us do.

There they were, flapping in all their glory. I'm sure that people from a few houses over could see them as well.

I'm getting to the point of my story. Now, I don't want strangers seeing my things that they do not need to see. But a lot of people do it.

Just like I don't want to air my private things, I also don't want to air my dirty laundry in the blogosphere for anyone and everyone to see. But a lot of people do it.

The point? Just like those clothes were flapping in the wind, our dirty laundry will also get blown around. At least the clothes are held down firmly with pegs. The dirty laundry is going to travel.

Careful with what you choose to air out there.

P/S Oh, I just read this over and realised that it sounded a bit like I was telling people to censor themselves. Which I'm not. I love the fact that we have blogs where we can express ourselves freely, without having others silence us. I was merely suggesting filtering what we choose to say. For example, does the whole world need to know what XXX did to wrong you, in detail, when they've apologised, and you posting all about it would bring XXX great shame? Or something like that. Again, not censorship. Coming from this country, I loathe censorship. Just suggesting consideration for another's feelings. That's all.

Two Dimensions

One day, I was sitting in the cafeteria, taking a break from a study session in the library. While I was enjoying my pudding and drink, I thought I'd read a bit more of The Odyssey, as I had an exam for that module the following day.

So, there I was, alternating between reading and drifting off, when some people I knew came and joined me. They were also students there, but they were engineering students, whereas I was just an English and Classical Civilisations student. They're very nice boys, and fellow Malaysians.

This is how the conversation went:

Them: Hi, Riyya. Enjoying your book?
Me: Hey. Not really. I'm a bit stressed. I need to finish and remember this book by heart for my exam - tomorrow.
Them: [Looking extremely surprised.] Oh... you're... studying that book?
Me: Yes, I have to for this module I'm taking.
Them: You have an exam?
Me: [Thinking, well, yes, I am a student and it is part of university life.] Erm... yes, I do have a few papers actually.
Them: Oh. How many exams do you have?
Me: 6.
Them: [Looking even more surprised.] We thought you didn't have exams. Every time we see you, you're reading a book and looking relaxed.
Me: [*hissing inside*] Well, erm, I'm taking literature. I kind of have to read all those books. That's how I study.
Them: Oh, well, good luck on your exams.
Me: Thanks. I have to go back to the library now. I still have 3 more papers to study for. So, see you.
Them: Okay. Bye!

This is how the conversation ended:

Me gathering my books and walking away as quickly as I possibly could. Ooooh, I was so angry. Why do so many people look down on the Arts and Humanities students?

I did not choose Literature because it was easy. I chose Literature because it was what I loved. And to have people belittling what I loved really got to me.

So... as stated in my previous post...

One point of view gives you one perspective. One perspective gives you a one-dimensional picture. One-dimensional pictures paint a pretty flat view of the world.

One Dimension

One point of view gives you one perspective. One perspective gives you a one-dimensional picture. One-dimensional pictures paint a pretty flat view of the world.

Step out of the little box and look outside.

Climb over the fence and see the view from the other side.

And look. Really look.

There is no point in moving around physically but still stuck mentally.

There are so many perspectives and together, they paint such a beautiful picture.

You play an important part in this world. Your opinion matters. But yours isn't the only opinion that counts. The others play an important part in this world too. Their opinions matter.

You don't have to agree with everyone else. You don't even have to like everyone else if you really don't. But you should respect the fact that just as you are entitled to your views, they are also entitled to theirs.

Look and listen. You'll learn so much.

[This is a prologue to an upcoming post.]

Don't Play With Fire

Oh, it starts with an innocent "hello".

It grows into a casual "how are you?".

Then it develops into a full-blown conversation.

Slowly, slowly... you start enjoying these conversations.

You think nothing of it.

It's all perfectly innocent.

A little harmless flirtation.

Then you realise that you start looking forward to chatting with them.

You realise you miss them when they're not there.

Slowly, slowly... you break the other person's heart.

It may start off as innocent...

But eventually, someone is going to get hurt.

There's no such thing as a little harmless flirtation.

Especially when there are other people involved.

Be careful where you step when there are hearts involved.

One tiny misstep...

And someone gets burned.